THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES   You're being watched.
by Untrue News paranoia editor Hyman Hayden**

How did you find us?


We know that the Ford Motor Company is recalling millions of Firestone tires which were put on their Ford Explorer SUVs  last year. The Company claims the tires are unsafe, but in fact the problem is not one of safety. What nobody is telling you about this recall is that the Firestone tire treads contain a pattern which, when viewed from the air, spell out codes which contain directions to US missile silos and secret government laboratories where chemical warfare weapons are created, tested and stored. All an agent need do is drive through some mud, or an oil slick, and the tires will print out the pattern on a dry roadway. Observers in black helicopters overhead can see and  translate the information into usable data.

Firestone itself may actually be unaware of the coded patterns embedded in the tire treads, but we think they knew all about it.  One clue  is the statement made by Firestone CEO John Lampe  on May 22, when he told reporters "Our tires are safe."  It is a well known fact in the intelligence community that "Our tires are safe" is code for "See the  hidden patterns in our treads, they lead to US missile silos and secret government labs." (See US Army Intelligence Service Report 99-A8-216413-Clas COSMIC. The report details the tread patterns and how to interpret them. The government will tell you no such report exists. We know better.)

Perhaps you have decided not to purchase Firestone tires for safety reasons. Here is an even better reason. If you do buy them, you may be involuntarily participating in the greatest espionage conspiracy against America there has ever been. We beg you--buy Michelin tires. They have encoded patterns too, but they're in French and harder to understand.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)


 

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